Ahh, Mercury Retrograde. It’s the three week period that seems to arrive far too frequently. We experience technological glitches and challenges in communication. It’s a time of more careful contemplation of our words before we speak, and reflection on others’ expressions before we respond.

I want to chat about our human tendency to censor ourselves from saying or doing something because we are afraid of how it will be received.

(I see the irony in writing a post about communication during the time when communication is more challenging.)

Every human life deserves to be seen, heard, respected, and understood. Every person deserves to be received with compassion and empathy when they share their perspective and emotions, even if the person listening doesn’t agree. However, many people have made us feel that we do not deserve those things, and that we should be ashamed for sharing at all.

Here’s the tricky thing, though… If we stuff the truth down, it deposits within us and calcifies, only to manifest later as physical pain or illness. When we withhold, we affect our body. The alternative is challenging too — when we share, it has an inevitable effect on those around us – an effect we cannot control.

It’s an interesting duality… how to decide between a quasi-uncomfortable response/reaction from others (which may include censorship) and the certain injury of self-censorship.

Yes, we’ve all been hurt before by the ones who can’t receive us. We have been told our words are “too much,” that we are “starting drama” or “causing pain” by sharing. (If after you share, the issue shifts from the topic you raised to how much of a problem YOU are, congratulations, you’ve just experienced gaslighting and defensiveness.)

We’ve all been told to shut up, sit down, and stop causing trouble. It’s scary to think we might experience that same rejection again. We never know how we are going to be received.

Yet, choosing self-censorship because you have previously been censored in the past is missing an opportunity to heal and rewrite a narrative you may have about what happens when you share.

I recently experienced two situations in which I chose to speak up when I would have normally stayed quiet out of fear. Each of them provided deeply healing insight:

In one situation, I was censored and removed from a group chat for drawing attention to administrative neglect within a community and asking for a solution. But the integrity of speaking up felt SO GOOD that being ousted didn’t even matter. My removal from the group literally highlighted my original point about the administration’s neglect, and demonstrated that they do not want to be held accountable for their actions. Additionally, the fact that I spoke my truth in a public setting gives others permission to explore whether they identify with what was shared. And then they may choose to speak up because of it, too.

In another conversation, I was received and responded to with love, and this person and I ended up having a beautiful and heart-opening conversation about a mutual acquaintance’s concerning behavior. In the end, the person felt that she had received valuable information about someone with whom she was interacting and decided to act based on what I shared.

Sharing our truth not only helps us – it gives others a chance to make informed decisions. It also gives them a chance to prove your self-defeating story wrong.

Regardless of whether the other person helps you change the narrative you have around the value of your words, it is important not to hold back when the heart feels called to speak.

So How Do we Know if We’re Really Speaking From the Heart?

Sometimes we have a heart-centered need that wants to be spoken but our ego wants to add all sorts of bells and whistles onto the real request.

This internal dilemma calls for reflection. In these moments, we are called to find the truth in our hearts without letting our egos get in the way.

For example, you hear your roommate/partner playing a song on repeat in the other room. It’s driving you nuts.

The heart path:
“I am feeling overstimulated hearing this song played repeatedly. Would you be able to change to a different one?”

The ego path:
“That song is so annoying. I can’t believe anyone would enjoy listening to something play so many times in a row.”

One of these options is more compassionate, refrains from causing unnecessary pain and delivers the need in the form of a question.

No matter how triggered we are, we all have the option to choose how we want to conduct ourselves. We also must find the conviction to share without fear of how things will be received.

Helpful Questions to Ask Before Sharing

Here are some parameters to reflect on whether truth is obscured.

If it is not shared with the intention of creating greater awareness, it is most likely not purely truth.

Does what I say have language that assumes fault or makes any party wrong?
Beneath the factions of war or conflict, there is a greater truth impartial to fault. The truth does not direct blame. It does not waste time with accusation. It takes responsibility for one’s own experience and offers it to others for their own consideration.

Am I making any assumptions with what I’m saying?
The truth does not put words in people’s mouths. It does not draw conclusions based on fear or past behavior. Truth speaks in the language of tangible facts and events.

Is what I’m about to say about me and my perspective?
The truth speaks about YOU, what you’re doing, how you’re feeling, and your experience.
If you’re labeling or describing anyone else in the process, you’re most likely getting lost in the weeds of your own emotions and straying from truth.

Are you sharing out of desire to connect or to protect?
When sharing comes from a deep desire to connect to those around us, we are sharing in truth. When what we are saying is intended in defense or offense of our own beliefs, it is not truth. The truth doesn’t need to defend itself. It doesn’t need to close off its heart from connection. Truth, in its nature, opens.

What is the intention behind my share?
Sharing from truth creates awareness, which can either be received and addressed with love or rejected in defensiveness. Sharing from ego tries to shame, blame, or change someone’s mind or behavior. It seeks gratification, comfort and retribution for the unsettled energy behind an unmet need.

The Big Takeaway

The truth is like the sun. It radiates outward and opens your heart and allows others to walk in the warmth of its light. You will feel its effect – the tension in the room dissolves as you shine, and those who witness your freedom breathe a great sigh of relief. Those who choose to walk the path of growth become inspired at their own opportunity to share. And those who choose to avoid growth… well… Do we really care what they think anyway?