Have you ever thought about the story you tell about yourself when you interact with others?

These narrative identities usually include labels.

“I’m a nice guy.”

“I don’t have a lot of friends.”

“I’ve been a smoker since I was 17.”

“My husband left me.”

“I have a big heart.”

“I’ve never been good enough for anyone.”

“I have always been alone.”

These labels indicate how we see ourselves, what we think about our lives, and how much we identify with what has happened to us.

There are seasons of life where we decide to tell the story of the past. We go into detail about big life events or tragedies, and explain how those things “made us” who we are. We may use our interactions with others to process the emotions of what happened, and identify heavily with the pain we experienced. Perhaps you’re familiar with this state of rumination, or you’re in this season right now.

I was the self-pity QUEEN. Everything was horrible all the time, and that was the story I told. Everything terrible that happened somehow justified my view of myself. I believed this story so deeply that I perpetuated it.

I imprisoned myself in this victim identity, a self inseparable from the suffering I knew so well. A future doomed to perpetuate the narrative of the past.

One day I noticed — people were getting tired of my story. Friends and family seemed to be avoiding me, or at the very least, consistently unavailable. No one wanted to listen anymore.

Imagine listening the same depressing audiobook over and over and over again. After a while, you want a change, a resolution. Everyone who loved me was rooting for me. Except me.

I was stuck in what Dr. Gabor Mate calls the trauma brain.

The trauma brain is constrained, closed off, and fixed in a state of suffering. It is focused on avoiding pain and ensuring the hurtful thing that happened in the past doesn’t happen again… And by doing so, it neglects and creates more suffering in the present. Ironically, the present holds the keys to freedom from that suffering.

In the present, we have the option of releasing pain and creating a different story for ourselves.

In the present, we find the opposite of the trauma brain. We find regulation.

The regulated brain is focused on learning, connection and expansion.

Have you ever conceived of what might happen if you repurposed ALLLL the energy you expended ruminating on the past and devoted it to understanding yourself?

This is where we can use our awareness of our personal narrative to take responsibility for what is happening in our lives.

Imagine the strides we’d make if we have no one else to blame but ourselves.

We would take full responsibility of our current life circumstances and choose to create change.

We would become aware of our patterns and make different choices than the ones that got us where we are.

We would envision a story for ourselves based not on victimhood or fear, but on what we’ve learned from our experiences.

We would invest in establishing ourselves. We would choose inspiration and creation. We would move forward on our path with clear intention.

We would become beginners again. We would have compassion for ourselves and others when we fail instead of tearing ourselves apart when we don’t get it right the first time.

We would become aware of our patterns and make different choices than the ones that got us where we are.

We would begin to envision a story for ourselves based not on victimhood or fear, but on what we’ve learned from our experiences.

We would understand we are beautiful works in progress — always unfinished, always growing and changing.

In the present, we can build a different future.

Remember, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

So tell me…

What will be the story of your life?